Not Another Clique Story
by juicyfruit007
Summary: My parody/spoof of the clique! Makes fun of the characters. Don't get me wrong, these books are amazingly written, but the characters can get annoying sometimes. I spoof that! If you cant take a joke, don't read!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, so I made a comic book of the Clique after BaT's came out. My friends all laughed at this, so I decided to put it on FF in script form. I know we all love the Clique, but sometimes, you just can't help making fun of it.**

**First chapter's really crappy. It doesn't go along with the book but the rest of them will. Hope you enjoy it!**

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**Disclaimer: don't own, don't own. If I did, I'd make it a comic book.**

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First Day of School (8th grade)

BOCD

The Great Lawn

Tuesday, September 8th

7:38 A.M.

* * *

Massie slipped on her very expensive D&G sunglasses and scanned the crowd for her friends. The school was toe-dally infested with boys, but she knew she would make it through the day as long as she got _at least_ ten ego-boosting complements and a fresh load of Glossip Girl. Most of all, she wanted to be reunited with her friends, the girls she had dearly missed all summer. She quickly spotted them and sauntered over like one of those extremely bored supermodels. The Pretty Committee was _finally_ reunited!

Kristen: so, how's everybody doing this year?

Massie: man, look at that sevie's ugly outfit. She has NO taste. (flips hair)

Dylan: (sob!) I just (burp) gained 0.00001 pounds!

Alicia: ooooh! Look at all those CUTE boyzzz!

Claire: I can't BELIEVE Cam dumped me AGAIN! (Sobs)

Kristen: oh boy…this is gonna be a long day. (rolls eyes)

Massie: please excuse me; I feel a rush of power…must...destroy…someone! (twitches uncontrollably)

Dylan: do you think the fat is noticeable?

Alicia: GASP! (choke) They're coming closer!

Claire: ehmagawd, is Cam there?

Massie: Kuh-laire, are you a midget?

Claire: uh, no?

Massie: then get over him!

Alicia: shhh…here they come!

Dylan: I'm outta here! I don't want them to see how fat I got! (Runs away)

Kristen: uh, I'll go with you!

* * *

The boys come closer, but stay a safe distance, talking amongst themselves.

Massie: pretend they're not there! We're better than them! Act like they don't exist! Let them come to us!

Claire: Yes of course! You're so _wise_, Massie!

Alicia: but, but… (sputtering uncontrollably)….okay, fine. (contorts her pretty features into an adorable pout)

Massie: ehmaGAWD, my lips are SO dry! I only drenched them 58.5 times today in a thick delicious coat of caramel fudge sundae! Need…gloss…

Alicia: hey, did you know that Glossip Girl just made a new flavor called caramel _double_ fudge sundae?

Massie: NO WAY…that's so ah-mazing! By my calculations, that little newsflash deserves precisely 3.4675 gossip points.

Alicia: ehmagawd, I'm like, toe-dally slipping! Opposite of cool! I mean, I know that wasn't the best gossip, but…

Massie: hey, it's JUICY, 'cause it's about lip gloss! Get it? (slaps knee and laughs heartily)

Claire & Alicia: (blank stares)

Massie: um, hullo? For the love of GAWD, laugh! We have to look like we're having fun!

Claire & Alicia: (burst into fits of hysterical laughter)

* * *

Derrick Harrington finally decides to approach the girls.

D: hey ladies!

Massie: hey lady.

Alicia (who has been suffering tremendously from cute guy withdrawl): hi… (giggles)

Claire: (who has been suffering tremendously from Cam Fisher/gummy worm withdrawl): where's Cam? I want him to give me my gummy worms!

Alicia: (drools while little hearts dance over her head)

D: Cam has gummy worms? I want some!

Massie: honey, you shouldn't eat those. They'll give you rotten stinky teeth.

Claire: (sighs) I know. (cheeks redden)

D: did you just call me "_honey_?" (eyes widen)

Massie: (flips hair) I wasn't tawking to you, doorknob.

Claire: Yay Massie! You're so cool!

D: whatever, Block.

Massie: (ahem) I'd like you to call me "Miss Universe."

D: "_Miss Universe?_" AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Massie: I can feel my horns growing in…must use my lightening of rage!

CRACK! KABOOM!

* * *

**So yeah. That was my attempt at a Clique parody. Did it totally suck? Or was it okay?**

**If you haven't noticed, I portrayed Massie as a power-hungry diva with raging superpowers. (I know, I'm a nerd) **

**Claire was a Cam-obsessed Massie-worshipping gummy worm addict. **

**Alicia was the boy-crazy beta who didn't want to get in the way of her alpha.**

**Dylan was the girl who couldn't stand being fat. **

**And I couldn't really think of anything to make fun of for Kristen, so I just made her the normal girl.**

**Anyway, review this if you liked it. If more people like it, I'll continue writing.**

**Love, **

**Juicyfruit007**

**PS: Also, those of you who read TBAMFS, tell me how it was! Was it actually good, or just another book I can make fun of?**


	2. GLU Meeting

**A/N: Hey guys, read this chapter! I think it's way better than the first one. Though it would be funnier if you guys could see the pictures in my clique comic book…oh well. Enjoy!**

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GLU Emergency Meeting

BOCD

The Bomb Shelter

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The Pretty Committee descended down to _their_ bomb shelter like a pack of lions. The dimly lit staircase freaked Massie out, but like a true alpha, she smiled through her pain and flipped her hair like she imagined a lion would flip its mane. She had something important to say, so she wanted her hair to look perfect. Then again, when did it not, right?

Massie: Okay girls, IDK if you've noticed this, but the guys at this school have been acting like TSOB's.

Claire: oh, Great and Wise One, what may I ask, are TSOB's? (kneels down at her feet)

Alicia: (thinking) Uh-oh. The Wise One just came up with a new term. I must figure out what it is before anyone else does! I am the BETA!! I can do better than this!!!

Kristen: (sigh)

Massie: Total Sons Of Bitches! Gawd, do I need to explain eh-verything to LBR pinheads like you?! (rolls eyes)

Claire: (still at her feet) Oh Massie, that is _SO COOL!!!_ You have the _best_ comebacks. I wish I was as cool as you!!!

Alicia: Oh, big deal! I knew she was gonna say that.

Massie: (raises a single eyebrow in a challenging manner) Oh really? Then you must also know what I am going to say next…

Claire: OOH! I DON'T! I DON'T!! TELL US!!! ALL HAIL THE GREAT AND WISE ONE!!!

Alicia: Puh-leeeze. I totally know what you're going to say. It's so ahb-vious!! We're going to change our name from TPC to the TB's to match the guys!! Then we can all be BFF's and stroll down the mall playing "what would you rather wear!" (Squeals with excitement)

Massie: (looks at Alicia like she grew an extra head) Uhm, _no. _Ach-tually, that's the total ah-pposite of what I was gonna say. I hereby declare that TPC is going on a boyfast!!

Claire: THE GREAT ONE HAS SPOKEN!!! (Bows down repeatedly)

Alicia: Psh…I knew that! I just forgot to say "opposite of."

Dylan: hey look, I'm eating this low-fat triple-butter popcorn. It's such a pain having to eat healthy!

Massie: whatever. Anyway, to make sure all of you remember our new rule, I have composed a poem for us GLU's. I also bought us diamond Tiffany bracelets.

Claire: (shines her shoes) maybe if I keep touching you, some of your super coolness might rub off on me!!

Alicia: wait…did you just say…b-b-_boyfast??!! _(starts twitching uncontrollably)

Dylan: _Alicia!_ Shh…our leader is _speaking_.

Massie: (ahem) From this moment awn…I pledge the following to you. To rid my thoughts of boys, done and done, they are through. I'll focus on fashion, study new trends in beauty, strengthen my friendships & tighten my booty. You won't find me flirting, or talking to guys. No texting, IM'ing, or batting my eyes. It's BFF time, no boys, not ever. 'Cause BFF has a new meaning, and that's boyfast forever!!!

Claire: (crying) Massie…wow…that was just _beautiful!! _And so _empowering_…

K & D: (frozen in shock)

Massie: I know, I know, it's great. Don't you just luh-v it?? (flips hair proudly)

Alicia: (lets out a bloodcurling scream in horror)

Massie: uhm, hullo? Alicia, what the hell was that?

Alicia: (panics) um…a bee stung me!!

Claire: (thinking) I'm starting to miss Cammie…(sniffles)

Massie: and hullo?!! KUH-LAIRE, _WHY_ HAVE YOU STOPPED WORSHIPPING ME??!

Claire: (GASP!) I'm so sorry Massie! Uh, I mean, your majesty. Uh, Miss Universe!! Don't kick me out of TPC! I'll do anything! _ANYTHING!!!_

Massie: Puh, lease. Just stop acting like such a pathetic LBR. And here are your bracelets. (pulls out her Tiffany's bag)

Claire: (eyes it) oooohh…looks _expensive_.

Alicia: (thinking) these things better be worth it. (pouts)

Massie: um, Alicia? Are you the Grinch?

Alicia: No

Massie: Then why are you not into this?!

Alicia: Well, maybe you should've bought be a bracelet with more than twelve diamonds, you little bee-yoch!!

Massie: (sniffle) I am so proud of you!!

Alicia: I know, I know.

* * *

Click! SLAM!! A rush of boys in soccer uniforms hurried in. Massie stiffened. _What the hell were they doing here??_

Derrington: hey, look! More girls! Everywhere we go, we have fans!

Massie: What're you doing here?! This is a private GLU meeting! We are _trying_ to strengthen our friendships and tighten our booties!

Derrington: Oh, need any help with that? (winks) Or are you just here for autographs?

Massie: (rolls eyes) um. Are you a nut? 'Cause your head's starting to swell.

Derrington: oh yeah? Are you a towel? 'Cause you're all washed up! (grins, thinking about how funny he is)

Massie: (frowns) are you a sweater set? 'Cause you've just met your match!

Derrington: are you Will Ferrell? Then don't make me laugh.

Massie: (starts foaming at the mouth as her horns grow in) OH YEAH?! WELL ARE YOU A CALENDAR? 'CAUSE YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!!!

Derrington: (sweaty hair somehow stands on end) uh, I think we're just gonna go now!

Massie: (still foaming and shouting comebacks robotically) ARE YOU A MAC? _THEN WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THEN TPC?!_ ARE YOU RIHANNA? _THEN WHY ARE YOU UNDER MY UMBRELLA?!_ AM I A LIBRARY BOOK? _THEN WHY ARE YOU CHECKING ME OUT?!_ (voice breaks) ARE YOU A CHAIR? _THEN WHY ARE YOU STANDING UP?!_ (sputters)

CRACK! KABOOM!! (lightening flashes)

Kristen: uh-oh, she's gone comeback-crazy again!

Derrington & the guys: (run away)

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**A/N: So, did I get a laugh out of anyone? Shall I continue? Review! **

**Oh, and thanks to everyone who reviewed last time.** **This is my first fanfic, so that felt amazing! ;)**


	3. Ratings, Ratings

**A/N: Eh, this chapter's kinda short. And the events in this fic might not have happened in chronological order of the books. I don't remember which book it was where they rate each other, but I don't think it was BaT. But yeah, read this chapter, it's funny.**

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BOCD

The Café

* * *

The Pretty Committee hovered just outside the Café waiting for instruction from their leader. Everyone else was already inside, waiting for the assembly to start. TPC knew they needed to make a grand entrance. But no one said anything. Alicia decided to break the ice.

Alicia: Uh, Massie? Not to question your great wisdom or anything, but are you sure this boyfast is such a good idea?

Massie: Positive. We're not gonna let them get to us. We're too _mature_. And boys have cooties, anyway. (rolls eyes)

Alicia: well, can we still crush on guy _celebrities_? I like, have hormones, you know. I can't just like, crush on no one!

Massie: (rolls eyes) fine, if you wanna be all immature and junk! Anyone but Connor Foley is fine. And if you end up meeting them…I'll beat the shit outta you! (flames light up in her eyes)

Alicia: Oh, thank you Massie! You're the best! I heart you so much!

Massie: whatevs. (thinking) that girl is suffering severely from crush withdrawal…I love it! (smiles evilly)

Alicia: hey, doesn't Taylor Lautner just make you wanna lick the TV when you see him? (hyperventilating)

Massie: uh, no...(gives Alicia an extremely weird look)

Alicia: oh, uh…me neither! (cheeks redden profusely)

Claire: hey, has anyone seen Cam? Uh, not that I care.

Massie: No, we have not.

TPC waits for Kristen and Dylan to show up.

* * *

Massie: all right, is everyone here? It's time for our morning ratings! And hurry up! The assembly starts in ten minutes!

Claire: (thinking) uh-oh…

Massie: (saunters over to Alicia) okay Alicia, you're a 9.37465. I knocked off 2.8491 points for all that excessive cleavage you've got there, but plus 1.2615 for the hair. It's extra shimmery today; I can tell you're using a new conditioner. Pantene VO5 Blackberry Tea Therapy, perhaps? Wait; don't tell me…I know I'm right. Anyway, apply some Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush Lip Gloss Red Delicious, and I'll knock you up--in the ratings, that is—to a 9.3746_**6**_!

Alicia: (whips out a tube of lips gloss at lightning speed) I'M ON IT! Right away, your highness!

Massie: keep up the good work! You should be proud of yourself, Leesh!

* * *

Massie: (goes to Kristen) Okay, Kuh-risten…you're a 9.2835. It would be higher, but you're just so disgustingly sporty. I mean, would it kill you to wear a more feminine top once in a while?

Kristen: (pulls out a low cut black tank top with crisscrossed laces) Oh, you mean like this? (thinking) I hope my mom doesn't find out I have a tank top!

Massie: nope, not sexy enough (sticks up her nose)

* * *

Massie: (struts over to Dylan) Okay, Dylan…you're a 9.14821. Would be higher, but your eyebrows aren't freshly waxed enough. And your left pinky's nail polish is slightly chipped. You _need_ a fresh manicure. And one of the eyelashes on your right eye has a speck of dust in it. It's the twenty-seventh one from the left.

Dylan: (whips out a compact mirror) Oh my Gawd, are you _serious?_ I'm _such_ an LBR!

Massie: I shouldn't even _need_ to point this out to you. (rolls eyes) Next time, I'm not going to. Then you'll go spiraling down the popularity ladder faster than last year's Seven jeans. Then when you die of popularity starvation, I'll laugh…like this! HAHAHAHA… (continues cackling)

Kristen: uh, question: how do you _spiral_ down a ladder?

Massie: answer: shut up. (rolls eyes like it's the most obvious thing in the world)

Kristen: (mutters) jeans can't go down a ladder either, for that matter…

Massie: I _said_, shut up!

* * *

Massie: (walks over to Claire, rolling her eyes) And _you_? Uch, you're so screwed up, you're not even applicable for a rating. Isn't that TFFW?

Claire: (breaks down sobbing and falls to her leader's feet) I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, your majesty! I'll do better next time, I _swear! PLEASE_ don't kick me out of TPC! (SOB!)

Massie: (rolls eyes again) whatevs. And how would you all rate me? (grins)

Alicia: Ten! More like eighteen, actually! Your lip gloss looks perfect from all angles. Every sparkle has an excellent level of shimmer!

Dylan: Ten! Each of your eyelashes are dust-free and perfectly positioned and just the right length!

Kristen: Uh yeah, ten. For your looks, anyway.

Claire: Ten, Massie! You're so cool and awesome and perfect in every way! You know what; you're more than a ten. I'd give you an infinite!

Massie: I know, I know.

Dylan: oh yeah? Well, I'd give her an infinite _plus one!_

Claire: (sob) I was gonna say that!

Massie: Okay, the assembly is about to start. Quick everyone, check the person to your left for latte stains, smeared mascara, flyaway hairs, clumpy eyelashes, loose threads, anything that might say LBR. I'll do Kuh-laire. GO!

Claire: (gulp)

Massie: (marches over to Claire) WIPE THOSE SWEATY PALMS! RE-GLOSS! The right corner of your lip isn't shiny enough. Pull your hair out from behind your ears. Roll back your shoulders. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, KUH-LAIRE, SMILE, YOU IDIOT! WE'RE MAKING AN _ENTRANCE_, NAWT A CONDOLENCE CALL!

Claire: (sniffle) I should've known better!

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**A/N: so, how was it? Whose rating was the funniest? I liked writing Alicia and Dylan's the best. (And no, I didn't actually do the math for Alicia's. I'm not **_**that**_** big of a nerd) and I loved how Massie wouldn't even rate Claire, that was funny.**

**So, yeah, review and tell me what you think! I love getting feedback. I have another cha****pter in my comic book if you guys want me to post it. **

**It makes fun of everyone, especially Kuh-laire with her whole Cam obsession. I felt kinda bad making fun of Massington in the last chapters, since that used to be my favorite pairing, but I'll have no problem with Cam and Claire. **


	4. Grand Entrance

**A/N: Hey guys, I'd just like to say thanks to ALL my reviewers; especially…**

**dusty714; for reviewing every chapter and pointing out specific things you liked. **

**And studyangel & mimigem634…your reviews made my day as well…**

**And joinmeinthethunder; for saying this was the funniest clique story…and for your suggestion on Kristen. I was actually thinking of making her sports/grades obsessed, but then I thought it'd be funnier to make her a prude or a know-it-all. **

**But yeah, I'll try to put more of her in this chapter.**

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BOCD

The Café

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It was time. The Pretty Committee was about to make their grand entrance into the café. Massie knew this moment would be crucial, because all eyes would be on _them_. They could _not_ afford to mess this up. Quickly, she decided to give her girls some last-minute instructions.

Massie: okay, the song we're walking to is "Don' Cha by the Pussycat Dolls, I mean _Dawls_.

Dylan: great decision!

Claire: got it! Don't worry Great and Wise One, I won't disappoint you!

Kristen: um, I'd feel much violated parading in to the beat of such a vulgar song.

Massie: too bad. Now let's go, I'll count you in. Start silent-singing on six. I'll open the door on seven. We walk to the beat on eight. 'Kay?

Claire: (gasp!) such brilliant planning!

Alicia: (double gasp!) such great attention to detail!

Dylan: should we be taking notes?

Massie: do it next time, it's too late now. Okay, here we go. Ah-five, a-six, a-five six se-vuhn eight!

Dylan, Claire & Alicia: (parade in after their leader, singing proudly) DON' CHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? (all turn and look at Massie, expecting to be praised)

Massie: (flushes with rage) YOU'RE NAWT SUPPOSED TO SING OUT LOUD, YOU MORONS!

Dylan, Claire & Alicia: (nearly get blown over by her scream)

Massie's rage melted into sheer embarrassment. She marched onto the stage and snatched the microphone from Principal Burns. This was her chance to redeem herself before the whole school thought of her as a loser!

Massie: (screams into the mic maniacally) ATTENTION EVERYONE! I AM NOT ASSOSIATED WITH THOSE FOOLS WHO WERE JUST SINGING! I HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN MY LIFE! PLEASE DON'T THINK OF ME AS ANYTHING LESS THAN A TRUE ALPHA! I HAD _NUH-THING_ TO DO WITH THIS, I SWEAR! I AM STILL THE—

Kanye West: (pops out of nowhere & grabs the mic) Yo, Massie, Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best music videos of all time!

Kristen: well! That was random…

Massie: (sputters in shock) what the…how did you…what the hell are you doing here?

Principal Burns: (snatches mic from Kanye West) Okay, that's it! Massie and rapper dude, back to your tables, NOW!

Massie: (storms back to the PC)

* * *

Claire: great. Now I don't feel like one of the cool kids who come to the party fashionably late 'cause they have better things to do!

Alicia: Ehmagawd, yeah! Now I feel like one of those "LBR's" as we call them who's given the wrong address on purpose!

Dylan: the PC magic is fading!

Massie: (anger boiled inside her once again. _Loser_ was something she would _nawt_ allow herself to be called, even as a joke) WE ARE _NAWT_ LBR'S! HAVE A LITTLE FAITH, WILL YA?

Kristen: uh, you're the one who just got up on stage and made a scene, just to—

Claire: (screams, interrupting Kristen) Ehmagawd, where's Cammie? (looks around, panicking) ohh…he's probably oozing Drakkar Noir and wondering why I agreed to this stupid late entrance! (winces)

Massie: WHY DO YOU CARE? WE'RE ON A BOYFAST!

* * *

Alicia: Ehmagawd, check out our table! The "NO LBR'S" sticker I custom-ordered off the internet is _GONE!_

Massie: ALAS! OUR MEMORIES ARE STOLEN!

Dylan: AND DESTINED TO FADE AWAY WITH OUR TANS!

Claire: what about my fingerprints? They were on this very table the day I was officially accepted into the PC! (sniffles at the memory)

Principal Burns: (glares at them) Now, if you girls are finished, I'd like to go on with my announcement…

Random Guy: squawk, squawk!

Principal Burns: blah blah blah…(TPC drowned her out, even though everybody else was paying attention)

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**A/N: So yeah, this chapter's kinda short. It was originally really long, so I decided to split it into two chapters. I'll post the next one later. That one will have the whole Cam/Claire/Olivia scene.**

**Oh, and sorry if there's still not enough Kristen. I'm workin' on it!**

**So, what'd you guys think of the whole Kanye West thing? Pretty random, but I thought it was genius! I've seen a lot of parodies on here that include celebs (like Kanye) and they're **_**hilarious**_**, so I figured, why not, right? **

**So yeah, review and tell me if you like the whole celebs-popping in idea. If you do, what celebs would you like to see? I have some ideas for a few other celebs that would make this fic hilarious! **


	5. Another Quake of jbarf

**A/N: hey guys, here's the second part of the last chapter…**

* * *

Massie looked around the audotorium and couldn't believe her eyes. Eh-veryone was still listening to Principal Burns! Not a single guy checked her out. Not a single girl complimented her outfit. And it had been a whole five minutes!

Massie: (whispers) what's _with_ everyone? Why are they nawt worshipping me?

Alicia: don't worry Massie! I'm absolutely positive that they're just totally jealous. (flips hair)

Claire: (phone beeps) (SQUEAL!) EHMAGAWD, MAYBE IT'S CAM, TEXTING ME AND BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS!

Massie: Ahc-tually, it was me (looks disgusted)

Claire: uh, I know! I was just kidding! (bites thumbnail)

Dylan: speaking of Cam, I think he got an up-gradeee (singsong voice)

Claire looked over at Cam's table and couldn't believe what she saw. There he was, LOOKING AT ANOTHER GIRL! A much prettier girl! Right in front of her, too! That boy had NO morals.

Dylan: I'm sorry if I made you upset. It's just that…well, you're not going to believe this, but…I'm on a new diet! I heard that being sad makes you eat less. Making others sad kinda makes me sad. So look on the bright side! Your misery is making me skinnier by the second! (grins proudly)

Claire still couldn't believe what was in front of her eyes. How could her beloved Cammie _do_ _this_ to her? Her mouth started to taste like pennies and her tear ducts welled up.

Kristen: uh-oh, here comes the jealousy barf!

Claire: PUKE (throws up all over the table)

Dylan: wow, that was amazing! It was like, all your food just came back up! Maybe I should try _that_ to lose weight! I mean, you still get to eat and everything! (looks excited at the vomit)

Massie: uch, _Gawd_, Kuh-laire, you're so guh-ross! Don't barf on my new black satin vintage Chanel clutch! (rolls eyes disgustedly)

Massie flashed back to the time she'd first laid eyes on her beloved designer purse. She had been at a crowded Southampton estate sale, and her dream purse was _ridiculously_ underpriced at eighty-five dollars. It was descended upon by a pack of Kelly Ripa look-alikes. Massie froze. Her life had nearly flashed before her eyes! But as always, the overpowering smell of Chanel #19 awoke her inner alpha. Bolts of energy zapped through her body and fortified her with the strength she needed to escape. She grabbed the purse and ran. End of story. She sighed dreamily at all the courage and determination she used to achieve her life's most important goal.

Kristen: statistics show that people who throw up are 53.8% more likely to throw up again in the next 26 minutes and 52 seconds. So if I were you, I'd take cover!

Claire: (sobs) I am so sorry Massie! I didn't mean to betray you like this! I just love him so much! And I can't have him doing things like…._glancing_ at other girls! The nerve!

Kristen: Gawd forbid.

Claire: I know, right? I mean, I know I've kissed other guys like, twice, but still! He's such a player! We've only been broken up for a few months, and already he thinks it's okay to—

Dylan: -talk to other girls, including one that's prettier than you?

Claire: WHAT? So now he's _talking_ to her too? What a man-whore! (covers her mouth)

Kristen: uh-oh, not again…

Claire: (BARF!)

Kristen: (all excited) I knew that was gonna happen! Statistics never lie!

Massie: KUH-LAIRE! Cut it out! You're making us look like the puke-covered LBR table!

Claire: I'M SORRY! (sniffle) I just can't _believe_ he got an upgrade! Who could replace _ME?_ Wait…I know what he's doing…he's trying to make ME jealous! He thinks _I'll_ be the one begging for forgiveness! (starts sounding delirious) We'll just see about—

Dylan: hey, isn't that Olivia Ryan sitting on his lap?

Claire gasped and spun around, eager to prove Dylan wrong and shut her up for good. Just then, her worst fears were confirmed and her life flashed before her eyes. She sputtered for a moment, then collapsed to the ground with a gentle thud.

Kristen: wow…she fainted!

Massie: about time! (grins)

* * *

**A/N: Well, it was bound to happen eventually…I've reached the end of my clique comic book. This was about where I left off in it, and I don't have anything new written down yet. So this is the end for now.**

**I could probably think of more stuff if enough people want me to continue. **

**Depends how many reviews I get. ;)**

**Sorry to demand reviews for an update, but I really need to know if this is worth continuing. **

**Love you guys!**

**-juicyfruit007**


	6. Back to the Past

**A/N: Hey, so I totally forgot what I was gonna write in the next chapter of the **_**Bratfest at Tiffany's**_** spoof. **

**But then I started re-reading the first book and got struck with inspiration. And now this fabulous parody is back…for those of you that are still interested. :)**

**

* * *

**

Kendra: Newsflash! We're going to be sharing our lovely home with Dad's old college friend and his family.

.

Massie: (gasp! Sputter…choke!) what's this horrible feeling I suddenly feel chafing at my insides? I think it's called…sharing…I'm not liking it so far! It makes me so weak! (falls to her knees)

.

Kendra: Now Massie, I know you're not going to get along with this girl at first, since she might not be as stylish or mature as you. And well, you're just a brat.

…But I can tell that you'll warm up to her eventually, since she'll be so pathetic, she'll actually make you feel better about yourself. (smiles proudly)

.

Massie: Like, ehma-what are you tawking about? I would _never_ like someone from Orland-EW.

.

Kendra: (giggles) you just keep telling yourself that, Princess. But your personalities are as cliché as they come. Rich and spoiled girl from the city meets poor and pure girl from the suburbs. I think we've heard this story before. Hell, in a few months, you might even ask her to teach you how to kiss!

.

Massie: ew, guh-ross! Dad! (looks at William for backup)

.

William: (nearly chokes on his coffee) Um...fine. since you're my daughter, I'll agree that it's gross.

.

Massie: you guys just don't get it! When I say ew, I mean EW. That stands for eternal wannabe.

.

Kendra: oh, Massie, you know we can't keep up with your super-cool teen slang

.

Massie: (rolls eyes) don't strain yourselves.

.

Kendra: and if it's such a big deal, why don't you just invite Claire to join in on your plans?

.

Massie: puh-lease. That's like, im-pah-sibble. We've had these appointments for exactly twenty-one days, eight hours, three minutes, and fifty-seven seconds. –Oh, wait! Now it's four minutes.

DO YOU SEE THE PRESISION IN OUR TIMING? WE CAN'T JUST LIKE, CALL AND ADD ANOTHER PERSON AT THE LAST FORTY-THREE SECONDS! (begins foaming at the mouth)

.

Kendra: uh…(backs away slowly)

.

Massie: I MEAN, WE'D BE ALL "HELLO? CAN YOU ADD ANOTHER PERSON? AND THEY'D BE LIKE, LAUGHING AT US! (horns start growing in)

.

Kendra: well—

.

Massie: MASSIE BLOCK DOES NAWT GET LAUGHED AT!

.

Kendra: very well, then. Looks like you'll just have to cancel.

.

Massie: (gasp!) What's this other thing I feel? I think it's called…inconvenience! I've never felt this before…is it fatal? I think I see the light (falls to her knees again)

.

Kendra: don't be a drama queen. It's settled. Inez will have brunch on the table at 1:15. Don't be late.

.

Massie: (sobs) I feel so unfortunate! (stomps up the stairs)

.

* * *

.

Massie: come on Bean, let's stomp up the stairs in our matching Steve Madden high heels! Every floor-scuffing step will pay my bitchy mother back for destroying the Labor Day plans I had with my three BFF's!

.

Bean: (yaps)

.

Massie: (screams louder from the top of the stairs) YOU KNOW, BEAN, YOU'RE SO LUCKY YOUR MOM'S NOT A BITCH LIKE MY MOM!

.

Kendra: (giggles) Oh William, Massie's just too clever for her own good! What are we gonna do with her?

.

William: well, I don't know, but we've sure done a fabulous job of raising her. (smiles proudly)

.

Massie: (slams her bedroom door) Oh wait, Bean…your mom IS a bitch! I just realized I was tawking to a dog! (giggles)

.

Bean: (yelps in hurt)

.

Massie: oh! I'm so sorry, baby! I didn't mean it like that! Don't worry, I'll make it up to you by buying you your own cashmere sweater set, diamond tennis bracelet, and True Religion jeans! Then we can match! YAAAAYYY! (claps excitedly)

.

Bean: (thinking) yep, two bitches dressed head to toe—or paw—in designer wear…we'll match all right.

.

Massie: of course, I could get us even more matching outfits if I was allowed to go shopping with my triple BFFL's!

.

Bean: (rolls eyes)

.

Massie: I mean it, Bean. Those girls are everything to me. They're BFF's, GLU's, un-LBR's…and one day, we'll all find the perfect HART's!

…Bean, these girls are every letter in the alphabet to me, and so much more! (sobs)

.

Bean: (thinking) they're also your BFL's…Bitches For Life.

.

Massie: I mean, I know Alicia's a snake and she's gonna try to steal my precious throne one day—or many days-but she'll always be my loyal beta! (sniffs proudly)

.

Bean: (thinking) UGH!

.

Massie: and I know Dylan's a total wannabe and she'll definitely get those YSL lip markers I "yes-stickered" in Lucky…(face becomes paler than ever)

…But she still sucks up to me almost as hard as she sucks down Atkins Diet shakes! Now that's commitment! She like, toe-dally worships me!

.

Bean: (thinking) I'M A F***ING DOG! DO YOU REALLY THINK I CARE?

.

Massie: …and I know Kuh-risten almost tried to kill me last time she saw a Burberry cap—hey, she said no punch backs, so I couldn't do anything about it!

But still, she has that beautiful phlegmy cackle and can insult people to tears faster than they can say "my haircut isn't ugly!"

.

Massie: now that's a group of people I am proud to call my BFF's!

I mean, I'm fully aware that one day they might turn out to be man-stealers or worse—throne stealers—but they make me look good, so they're toe-dally worth it, don' cha think? (flips hair)

.

Bean: (thinking) of course they are. If it weren't for them, I'd have to put up with you _all_ the time!

.

* * *

.

Massie: that's it, I have to call them!

(presses #1 on speed dial) HULLO, LEESH?

.

Alicia: yeah?

(thinking) uh oh, the alpha might've gotten some juicy gossip before me! OH HELP ME GAWD, I'M SLIPPING!

.

Massie: hold on, I'll get K & D. (presses 3 & 4 on speed dial)

.

Massie: HULLO? GUYS, EMERGENCY! I need some T to the fourth power Y!

.

Dylan: huh?

.

Massie: some _time to talk to you? _Gawd, can't you LBR's figure out ah-nything?

.

Dylan: Ehmagawd, we're so sorry Mass! Won't happen again!

.

Kristen: yeah! Love the new term by the way!

.

Alicia: puh-lease. You guys SHOULD be sorry. I figured it out even before she said it.

.

Massie: (rolls eyes) yeah, yeah, whatevs. But I gotta tell you something. Brace yourselves, this is more tragic than Hurricane Katrina: I CAN'T GO SHOPPING TOMORROW!

Uh, 'cause I'm terribly ill. I hab da flu.

.

(All three girls nearly faint)

.

Alicia: NO EFFING WAY! THIS MUST BE LIKE, A LIFE-ALTERING SETBACK FOR YOU!

.

Massie: I KNOW, RIGHT? Um…(cough cough)

.

Kristen: Ehmagawd, who's gonna be there to hold my hand when I get my barely-there blond brows freshly waxed for the billionth time?

.

Dylan: and who's gonna tell me I look like an obese warthog when I try stuff on and get high-fived for her amazing comebacks?

.

Massie: not be. I hab a feber ad a stuff up doze.

.

Kristen: wow, you must _really_ be sick if you sound like _that_.

.

Alicia: (thinking) this is my window of opportunity! Now that the alpha's sick, I can step in and prove myself as a leader! Once I have all the inside jokes she doesn't have, I will come into power! MY TIME HAS FINALLY COME!

.

Alicia: don't worry girls, I'll be there! Let's shop till we drop! …oh, and feel better, Mass.

.

K & D: 'Kay! *click*

.

Massie: (sniff) I have the best friends in the world.

Now let's go cry ourselves to sleep over a missed shop-ortunity, shall we, Bean?

.

* * *

**A/N: so what'd you guys think? **

**I'll admit, it was pretty hard to spoof the first book, 'cause I actually liked books 1-5. But if you're still into this parody, leave a review and let me know if I should continue. **

**I'll also take suggestions…if you'd like to see a scene from any one of the books spoofed, tell me in a review and I'll see what I can do. I haven't read **_**My Little Phony**_** yet, but I just finished **_**These Boots are Made for Stalking**_**, so I should be good there. I'll update if I get a good idea.**

**Love,**

**-juicyfruit007**

**PS: if you're still in the mood for a good laugh, check out my stories on FictionPress…(username: juicyfruit93). My last story (Starstruck) is a parody of those girl-meets-her favorite-movie-star-and-they-fall-in-love-stories. And the movie star's a parody of Taylor Lautner. So definitely check it out if you know anyone who's obsessed with Taylor!**


	7. Traitor Creator

**A/N: Hey guys! So I don't know why I've been getting all these random reviews like, almost a year after I last updated, but they were enough to make me wanna update again! Plus, I just had the BEST idea for this chapter…you guys are gonna love it. This is probably my favorite chapter so far…enjoy! :)**

**P.S. I have no idea when this chapter takes place in the series…oh well, it's a parody…just read it. :)**

* * *

**Range Rover Carpool**

**7:25 a.m.**

…

**Kristen**: Hey, guys, let's go to the bookstore after school! Lisi Harrisson's gonna be signing books there today!

.

**Massie**: Sure, whatevs, I just wanna go to get the new Cliquetionary. It comes with cool stickers and hardcore tattoos that say stuff like "Lip-kiss me!" I mean, imagine what would happen if I walked around guys with those, it would look SO seductive! They'd _definitely_ wanna have textual relations with me.

.

**Claire**: AH-NOTHER AH-MAZING IDEA, YOUR HIGHNESS!

.

**Alicia**: Point! I toe-dally heart it! (draws air hearts)

.

* * *

**Barnes & Noble**

**3:37 p.m.**

…

The Pretty Committee waltzes into the bookstore like they own the place, and all eyes immediately fall upon them, all minds rating them perfect tens even though they're nawt dressed up. They strut in to the beat of "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. They march over to Lisi Harrisson's table.

.

**Massie**: (snatches a book from the table) like, what the hell is this?

.

**Lisi Harrison**: Oh, that's my new book, My Little Phony. It's the one where you and Landon—the man of your dreams—have your very first lip-kiss! **(A/N: I'm guessing…I haven't read the newer books.)**

.

**Massie**: (wrinkles nose) Yeah, about that…what on Gawd's green earth gave you the idea that I would _ever_ crush on a guy named _LANDON?_ That's like, a toe-dal girl's name! You named my crazy party planner Landon too, in case you forgot! And why would I crush on a guy named _DEMPSEY?_ It sounds like _DUMPSTER!_ I was right to call him Humpty-Dempsey! Were you like, dropped on your head as a kid? 'Cause you're coming up with the craziest names eh-ver!

.

**Dyaln**: And why do I have a guy's name? And my mom is _Merri-Lee Marvil?_ Why would you put us through that?

.

**Massie**: Why is my name MASSIE BLOCK?

.

**Lisi Harrison**: Because it sounds like "massive block." You're a powerful force that can't be moved. (smiles proudly)

.

**Massie**: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT? (starts foaming at the mouth in rage)

.

**Dylan**: Hey, that's my line! Speaking of which, I'd like you to make me a size double-zero.

.

**Alicia**: And I'd like you to make Harris Fisher fall in love with me. We had a cute barely-legal thing going!

.

**Kristen**: And make me rich again…please?

.

**Massie**: NO! (leans in to whisper in Lisi's ear secretively) If you make her rich again, then she'll have good looks, good grades, athletic ability, AND money! What are you trying to do, make _her_ the new alpha? Because I will NAWT let that happen!

.

**Massie**: (takes a deep breath and steps back) Anyway, as far as my HARTs are concerned, I'd like to date either Derrington or Chris Abeley, 'cause their names are like, perfect tens.

.

**Lisi Harrison**: (sigh) which one do you want?

.

**Massie**: Well, Chris Abeley is older and hawter and has a car and a horse, but Derrington is the soccer team captain and the most popular guy in my grade. We were like, the power couple. He also has a really cute butt. And ah-dorable kneecaps. It's a pretty tough choice. (strokes hairless chin and ponders deeply)

.

**Claire**: I just want me and Cam to be together forever and never break up again. Ooh, maybe we could get married! (squeals) Have him propose to me by a fountain, okay? (claps excitedly)

.

**Lisi Harrison**: You're in eighth grade!

.

**Claire**: I _know_, we waited _WAY_ too long.

.

**Lisi Harrison:** (groans in frustration) What have I done? I've created monsters…

.

**Alicia**: Actually, you know what? Screw Harris. I'd like you to write in a new character for me named FURIO. Furio Ferrarrro. With three R's, so it's like _FERRARRRO_…(rolls R's.) He'll be Spanish like me—nawt Fannish—and he'll have a motorcycle. He'll also have a body like Taylor Lautner's, and he'll wear those sexy V-necks where the V goes down to your bellybutton, and they're _barely shirts at all_. (squeals and fans her face)

.

**Massie**: WHAT? Well if she gets a guy like that, then I want—

.

Derrington and Josh Hotz rush in, looking distressed.

.

**Derrington**: (shines a bright flashlight in Lisi's face even though the whole store is lit properly) OKAY, LISI, JIG'S UP! I DEMAND SOME ANSWERS! (pulls out two forms of ID and shoves them in her face) Is my name spelled with two R's or not? Make up your freakin' mind!

.

**Lisi**: (looks startled) Well, at first I thought—

.

**Josh**: Okay man, no one cares about that! What I wanna know is why you've made me "a guy with lush black curls, long, dark eyelashes, and full red lips who looks like Snow White, but in a total guy way." And apparently, I ah-dore Ralph Lauren and that expensive Polo cologne when I'm only in _middle school_. Why're you makin' me such a pretty boy? AM I A CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL? (flaps arms wildly)

.

(everyone turns to stare)

.

**Derrington**: Well, if ya have to ask…(rolls eyes)

.

**Massie**: Uhm, ex-cuh-use me! (shoves them away) We were kind of in the middle of something! (turns to Lisi and musters up her sweetest do-as-I-say-or-I'll-sue-your-ass smile) Now, where were we?

…Now, my new boyfriend is gonna be named _Sterling Knight_. That way, he'll be like my knight in Sterling armor. (sighs dreamily) And he'll be a _MILLION_ times hawter than FURIO, 'cause _I _am the alpha, so _I _deserve the hawtest guy! And he'll have _TWO_ motorcycles, while FURIO only has _ONE_. (smirks smugly at Alicia)

.

**Derrington**: Whoa, whoa, back up. If you're taking requests, I'd really like an older woman. Or two. Y'know, someone who can keep up with me. (shakes butt and winks) I suggest Selena Gomez. I mean, if you can get Claire in a movie with Cole Sprouse, you can make this happen too, right? Plus, Selena likes the younger men. That should make your job easier…

.

**Lisi Harrison**: Well, see, that would be a little complicated to pull off, not to mention impossible and stupid…

.

**Derrington**: Oh yeah, you're right. I mean, I wouldn't want my tongue where Justin Bieber's has been…

.

**Lisi Harrison**: Yeah, _that's_ the problem.

.

**Derrington**: Then how 'bout Taylor Swift? We'll meet at one of her concerts, and I'll be like, "Hey, Swiftness. Wanna make a _love story?_" And then she can fall madly in love with me!

.

**Dylan**: You'd pick _her_ over _me?_ It's 'cause I'm fat, isn't it? (sobs)

.

**Lisi Harrison**: (puts head in hands)

.

**Josh**: Wait, if we can get celebrities, then I call Megan Fox. Yeah, 'cause only _straight guys_ like Megan Fox. And Mila Kunis. I'll take both at the same time, since that's also a _straight guy_ thing.

.

**Massie**: Okay, if they get to live their Hollywood fantasies, then I want ah-nother movie audition. And make sure I ahc-tually _get the part_ this time. Then I can be a famous actress! (claps excitedly)

.

**Derrington**: Better yet, you could have her make a ridiculous music video called "Saturday" and she'll become the latest YouTube laughingstock! Just a wild idea…(laughs)

.

**Lisi Harrison:** (looks around, exasperated) Come on guys, I gotta make my books at least _kind of_ realistic…

.

**Massie**: Then have Derrington become fat, grow old, and die alone. (flips hair)

.

**Derrington**: No way! I should become the next David Beckham! Have you _seen_ me block those balls?

.

**Josh**: That's what I'm saying! I mean, that's what she said! I mean…uh…I don't even know anymore. (looks down)

.

**Alicia**: I wanna be a famous news reporter!

.

**Claire**: I just want me and Cam to elope…the wait is _killing_ me. (bites nails)

.

**Kristen**: I wanna discover the cure for cancer!

.

**Massie**: WELL, I WANNA STEAL KRISTEN'S CURE FOR CANCER AND RULE THE WORLD!

.

**Josh**: I WANNA BE A HETEROSEXUAL BEAR WRESTLER! (everyone turns to stare and crickets chirp)

.

**Lisi Harrison**: NO! Are you guys insane?

.

**Josh**: FINE! (runs off into the bookstore's closet and locks himself in)

.

**Derrington**: Josh, man, COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!

.

**Josh**: NEVER! (sobs)

.

**Lisi Harrison**: Okay, guys, if you're not here to get your books signed, then you should leave. I've got people waiting.

.

**Massie**: Puh-lease, who even reads your crap anymore? You're more over than last year's sweater Uggs, and that's saying something.

.

**Lisi Harrison**: Well, maybe they're here to check out my new series! (motions to the _Alphas_ books)

.

**Massie**: (picks up _Alphas_ book) Like, ehma-WHAT? A new series? ARE YOU CHEATING ON US? (flips through pages) And Skye says "Ohmuhgud" instead of "Ehmagawd!" She has like, toe-dally slaughtered our word!

.

**Lisi Harrison**: Okay, that's it…I didn't want to do this to my own characters, but get out _now_ or I'm calling security!

.

**Massie**: _FINE! _(knocks over _Alphas_ books and storms out. Alicia, Claire, Kristen, Dylan, and Derrington follow)

.

**Lisi Harrison**: (rubs eyes) I'll never pick up a pen again…

.

**Alicia**: (rushes back discreetly) Hey, Lisi, don't tell Massie I'm asking you this, but could you, maybe, please…make me the Alpha in the next book? Once and for all? I mean, I'm so much more qualified for the position! I'm nicer, I have a bigger wardrobe, a limo, a bigger house, bigger tit—

.

**Lisi Harrison**: (exasperated)_**OUT!**_

.

**Josh**: (still locked in closet) NEVER!

…

* * *

**A/N: Wow, that was longer than usual. What'd ya guys think? I really wish Lisi Harrison herself would read this…I'd like to see her face, lol. I have no idea what she's like in real life, so I decided to make her kind of normal in this fic…lol.**

**And yeah, I know, Kristen and Claire weren't in it that much. But I feel like all Claire would really have to say if she met her creator is how she and Cam should be together forever, lol.** **I loved writing for Derrington and Josh, though. Derrington would totally hit on Taylor Swift like that if he could, lol. And I made Josh kind of "confused" in this, since he's described as "****a preppy Ralph Lauren lover who enjoys gossip." And of course there's Massie, who has her compulsive need to one-up everyone else. :)**

**What did you guys like? Review! :)**


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